Bad Habits Are Easy, Good Ones Are Hard

Few things can change your life as much as changing the things you do every day. Even so, it's likely that you'll be doing the same thing next year instead of something better.

Even if you try hard and get a burst of motivation every now and then, keeping good habits going for more than a few days can be tricky.

Exercise, meditation, writing in a journal, and cooking are all good habits to have for a day or two, but then they become a hassle.

But once you have a habit, it seems to stick around forever, especially the ones you don't want. Even when we try hard, stopping bad habits like eating junk food, watching too much TV, putting things off, and smoking can be challenging.

We make it hard to change our habits because we try to change the wrong thing, and we try to change our practices in the wrong way. I'll talk about the first point in this blog. I'll answer the second question in the blogs that come next.

The first thing we do wrong changes the wrong thing. To understand what I mean, think about the fact that change can happen on three levels. Think of them as the layers of an onion.

The first step is to change what happens. This level is about changing your results, like if you want to lose weight, get a book published, or win a race. Most of the goals you set involve this amount of change.

The second part is changing the way you do things. This level is about changing your habits and systems. For example, you might start a new routine at the gym, clean up your desk to make it easier to work, or start meditating. This level is where most of the habits you form the start.

The third and most important layer is changing who you are. This level is about changing your beliefs, including how you see the world, yourself, and judge yourself and others. This level is where most of your beliefs, assumptions, and biases come from

Results are what you end up with. What you do is what a process is about.

What you believe is a big part of who you are. When it comes to making habits that last or building a system of 1 per cent improvements, the problem isn't that one level is "better" or "worse" than another. Instead, the problem is that there is no "right" way to do things. All levels of change have their own benefits. The problem is the way things are going.

People who want to change their habits often start by thinking about what they want to accomplish. This brings us to habits based on what works.

The other option is to build habits tied to who you are. With this method, we first think about who we want to be.

Imagine that two people are trying not to smoke. When the first person is offered a cigarette, they say, "No thanks." I want to give up." It seems like a reasonable answer, but this person still thinks they are a smoker who is trying to be something else. They hope their actions will change if they keep believing the same things.

The second person says "No thanks" to decline. I'm not a smoker." Even though it's a small change, this statement shows a change in who this person is. They used to smoke, but that's not what they do now.

They are no longer who they were when they smoked.

Most people don't even think about changing who they are when they try to get better. They just think, "I want to be thin, and if I stick to this diet, I'll be thin." They set goals and decide what they need to do to reach those goals, but they don't think about the beliefs that drive them. They never change how they see themselves and don't know that their old identities can get in the way of their new plans to change.

Behind every set of rules for how to act is a set of beliefs. Democracy is based on ideas like freedom, the rule of the majority, and social equality. A dictatorship is based on different ideas, such as total power and strict obedience. In a democracy, there are many ways to get more people to vote, but in a dictatorship, no one would ever change their ways.

That's not what the system is called. Voting is something that people who believe certain things can't do.

There is a similar pattern when talking about people, groups, or societies. There are a set of beliefs and assumptions that make up the system. These beliefs and assumptions give the design its identity.

Behaviour that doesn't fit with who you are won't last. You may want more money, but if you see yourself as someone who buys things instead of makes things, you'll always be drawn to spending instead of making money. You may want to be healthier, but if you keep putting comfort before getting things done, you'll be more likely to relax than to train. It's hard to break old habits if you don't change the beliefs that led to them in the first place. You have a new plan and a new goal, but you're still the same person.

When a habit becomes a part of who you are, that's the best intrinsic motivation. It's easy to say, "I'm the kind of person who would want this." Saying, "I'm the kind of person who does this", is very different.

The more you like something about yourself, the more likely you are to keep doing the things that go along with it. If you're happy with your hair, you'll do all kinds of things to keep it in good shape. If you're satisfied with how big your biceps are, you won't miss an upper-body workout. If you're proud of the scarves you knit, you're more likely to spend hours knitting each week. Once you let your pride get in, you'll do anything to keep your habits.

Identity change is the key to real behaviour change. You might start a habit because it makes you feel good, but you'll only keep it if it becomes a part of who you are. Anyone can convince themselves to go to the gym or eat healthy once or twice, but it's hard to make long-term changes if you don't also change your beliefs. Changes are only permanent when they become a part of who you are.

The point isn't to read a book but to learn how to read.

The goal isn't to run a marathon; it's to learn how to run.

The goal isn't just to learn how to play an instrument; it's to become a musician.

Most of the time, the way you act shows who you are. What you do shows what kind of person you think you are, whether you are aware of it.

Research has shown that once a person believes in a particular part of their identity, they are more likely to act in a way that supports that belief. For instance, people who said they were "voters" were more likely to go to the polls than those who just said "voting" was something they wanted to do.

In the same way, someone who makes exercise a part of who they are doesn't have to convince themselves to train. It's easy to do the right thing. After all, when your actions and who you match perfectly, you are no longer trying to change your actions. You are just behaving like the person you already think you are

Like everything else about making habits, this is a double-edged sword. Identity change can be a powerful way to improve yourself when it works in your favour. Identity change can be a blessing, but it can also be a curse if it goes against you. Once you have an identity, it can be easy to let your loyalty to it limit your ability to change. Many people sleepwalk through life, blindly following the rules that come with their identity.

"I can't find my way around."

"I don't like getting up early."

"I have trouble remembering names."

"I'm never on time."

"I don't know much about technology."

"Math is hard for me."

...and a thousand other ways to say it.

When you tell yourself a story repeatedly for years, it's easy to get stuck in these mental ruts and start to believe it. Over time, you begin to say, "that's not who I am", when you don't want to do something. There is pressure from within to keep up your self-image and act in a way that fits your beliefs. You try to avoid contradicting yourself in any way you can.

The more thought or action is part of who you are, the harder it is to change it. Even if it's wrong, it can feel good to believe what your culture believes (group identity) or to do what helps you feel good about yourself (personal identity). Identity conflict is the biggest obstacle to positive change, whether it's an individual, a team, or a whole society. Good habits can make sense from a logical point of view, but if they go against who you are, you won't do them.

You might have trouble with your habits on any given day for many different reasons, like being too busy, too tired, too stressed, or too overwhelmed.

Long-term, though, the real reason you don't keep up with habits is that your view of yourself gets in the way. Because of this, you can't get too attached to one version of who you are. To move forward, you have to forget some things.

To become the best version of yourself, you must keep changing your beliefs and upgrading and expanding who you are.

Now we need to ask a fundamental question: If what you believe and how you see the world is crucial to how you act, where do they come from? How exactly do you become who you are?

And how can you focus on new parts of yourself that help you and slowly get rid of the elements that hold you back?