Four ways to reframe difficult conversations
When you're faced with a difficult conversation, it's easy to default to asking what's wrong with the other person.
But if you want to diffuse the tension and resolve the issue, it's better to ask what happened.
This simple reframe can help you get to the root of the problem and find a solution that works for both parties.
Here are four ways to ask what happened in a difficult conversation:
"Can you tell me more about what happened?"
"What was your experience of that?"
"What did you feel when that happened?"
"What needs weren't being met when that occurred?
What's wrong with you vs what happened to you
In our culture, we are quick to ask people what's wrong with them. When we see someone behaving in a way that is different from what is considered "normal," we want to know why. We want to fix them. But, often, there are better approaches than this. Instead of asking what's wrong with someone, we should ask what happened to them.
What's wrong with you assumes that there is something fundamentally broken about the person. This perspective can lead to shame and blame and doesn't leave room for healing or growth. On the other hand, what happened to you acknowledges that everyone has experienced the trauma of some kind. It allows for empathy and compassion.
When we ask what's wrong with someone, we look for a quick fix.
The former implies judgment, and the latter means curiosity.
A new way of thinking about how we view others is becoming more popular. Instead of asking what's wrong with someone, we should ask what happened to them. This shift in thinking implies curiosity instead of judgment and can help us better understand others.
Asking what's wrong with someone implies that we think something is wrong with them. This can make the person feel like they are being judged and can lead to them feeling defensive. Asking what happened to them implies that we are curious about their story and want to understand them better. This can help the person feel heard and valued and can open up a dialogue between us.
Understanding why someone behaves the way they do is essential in our relationships with others. If we can see past our judgments, we can have more empathy and compassion for others.
Why do we ask, "what's wrong with you."
When we ask someone "what's wrong with you", we usually try to find out why they behave in a certain way. This question implies that there is something wrong with them, and it can make the person feel like they are being judged.
Instead of asking, "what's wrong with you" we should ask, "what happened to you". This question shows that we are interested in understanding the person's experiences and how they have led to their current behaviour. It is a much more compassionate way to approach someone and can help the person feel more comfortable opening up to us.
We're taught to look for problems to solve
We're taught to look for problems to solve. But what if we're looking in the wrong place? We've been trained to think that the answer to our problems is always outside ourselves and that we need to find somebody or something to fix us. But what if the answer is within us? What if the solution to our problems is not outside but inside?
It's time to start looking inward for answers. It's time to ask ourselves what happened instead of what's wrong with us. Because the answer is always within us, we have to be willing to look for it.
It's easier than admitting we don't know what to say.
It's easier to ask what's wrong with someone than to ask what happened to them. We live in a society that is quick to judge and slow to empathize. Instead, we would point fingers and assign blame rather than take the time to understand someone's experience.
When we ask someone what's wrong with them, we indicate that we think they are at fault. We are placing the responsibility for their feelings on them. This can make people feel defensive and unwilling to share their experiences with us.
Asking what happened to someone shows that we care about their experiences and want to understand them better. It shows that we are willing to listen without judgement. This type of question allows people to feel heard and understood, which can be healing in itself.
The effects of "what's wrong with you."
In today's society, it's easy to get wrapped up in what we perceive as wrong with ourselves. We are constantly bombarded with images and messages telling us we need to be thinner, prettier, more intelligent, richer, and so much more. It's no wonder many of us go through life feeling not good enough.
But what if we changed the way we looked at things? Instead of focusing on what's wrong with us, what if we asked what happened to us? What if we looked at our lives and saw all the hurt, pain, and trauma we've experienced?
When you look at it from this perspective, it's easy to see how all of those negative messages have affected us. We can see how they've shaped our beliefs about ourselves and our worthiness. And once we see it, we can start to change it.
Shutting down conversation
It has become the norm to ask people what their problems are in our society. We want to know what is wrong with them so we can either fix it or judge them. However, this way of thinking shuts down conversations and creates more problems than it solves.
When we ask someone what their problem is, we assume they have a problem that needs fixing. This immediately puts them on the defensive and makes them feel they need to justify themselves. It also makes them feel like they are not good enough as they are.
Instead of asking people what their problem is, we should be asking them what happened to them. This allows them to open up about their experiences without feeling they need to justify themselves. It also shows that we care about them and want to empathise with what they have been through.
Creates defensiveness
When we ask someone what's wrong with them, we inadvertently put them on the defensive. It's as if we're accusatory and looking for someone to blame. A better way to approach the situation is to ask what happened. This allows the person to open up and share their story without feeling like they're being attacked. We can work together to find a solution when we understand what happened.
Increases distance
It's no secret that the world is struggling with a mental health crisis. Suicide rates are at an all-time high, and the number of people living with mental illness is rising. Nearly one billion people worldwide suffer from some form of mental disorder, according to latest UN data
The way we talk about mental health is part of the problem. Too often, we ask people what's wrong with them instead of what happened to them. This language implies that there is something wrong with people who experience mental illness when they are just like everyone else.
We need to start talking about mental health in a way that increases the distance from the stigma surrounding it. We need to ask people what happened to them, not what's wrong with them.
"What happened to you" in action
In today's society, we are constantly being bombarded with negativity. Whether through the news, social media, or even talking to people we know, it can be easy to get caught up in all of the negative energy. This can often lead to us feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. One way to help combat this negativity is by changing how we think and talk to ourselves. Instead of focusing on all of the negative things that have happened to us, or all of the things that are wrong with us, we should focus on the positive.
It's important to remember that we are not perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. However, we should focus on our accomplishments and what makes us unique. We should also be more understanding and compassionate with ourselves.
An example conversation
It seems like such a simple question. You walk up to someone you know and ask how they are doing. In response, you get one of three things: "I'm good," "I'm fine," or "I'm okay." But why do we permanently settle for these trite responses?
Wouldn't it be more interesting - and revealing - if we asked each other what happened to us today? What made us happy? What made us sad? What was the most exciting thing that happened? The most boring?
Asking people what's wrong with them implies that there is something wrong. It puts them on the defensive and shuts down communication. Instead, try asking about their day and see what happens. You may be surprised by the conversation that ensues.
Conclusion
In our culture, we are taught to fix what is broken. When something goes wrong, we look for a solution to make it right again. But sometimes, the answer isn't specifying what's broken. Sometimes, the answer is asking what happened.
Asking what happened doesn't mean dwelling on the past or reliving trauma. It means acknowledging that something happened and that it impacted you. It means taking responsibility for your healing.
You open the door to healing when you ask what happened to you. You give yourself permission to feel your feelings and work through your traumas. You start to see yourself as a survivor instead of a victim. And ultimately, you begin to heal.
Contact john@thehelpinghandcoaching.com to learn about our coaching programs, seminars, and workshops and how they can help you.
Be well.
You belong here.
John.
